Lately from the collection of blogs I have written and the “hardships” I appear to be suffering from people get the impression that I am unhappy. I do have to admit that sometimes I do sound like an emo, especially when you take into consideration the music I list following the “downer” blog entry but I would like to clarify that I am not unhappy, I am just incomplete. I tend to be a very analytical and deep thinking person, thus I enjoy using my blogs as a way to do so and reflect by rereading what I have written, unfortunately for me it comes across differently for some readers. I find it rather hard to take something at face value most of the time or believe everything I hear the first time around, as terrible a quality that may or may not be.

I have a group of very close friends and we have all tried to maintain a close connection and make time for each other, even when I was in a relationship I saw them as much as I could because I truly enjoy being around them. Nowadays however I feel like that connection has been a little lost and as the tables turn and I am the only single friend I am alone. I don’t resent them for being “happy” or for their being in relationships I just resent the fact that it seems so difficult to maintain friendships. As I find myself in this situation, like I previously blogged, I feel like there is less and less keeping me here.

Naturally, I have been reflecting on my friendships and the special bond that each of us share and although I love them and the relationships we have I feel as though the only person that ever fully understood me or made me feel fulfilled was my last boyfriend. I hate to be one of those people who seem to never get over a past relationship but I feel strongly that there are certain people in life who you are meant to encounter and he was definitely one of them. From the way we met to the way everything developed and still has its hold on me, there is something unique and puzzling about it all. I realize I was the one who severed our relationship and I did it because I felt like it was missing something but now I wonder if that was really it. At this stage in my life, 7 months after the official end to our labelled coupling, and roughly 3 months after the official end to civil conversation with one another I am missing our connection more than ever and as such I feel like I am incomplete.

I don’t entirely know how one is suppose to overcome these feelings or if they are suppose to be overcome but I am really struggling to figure things out. Like I mentioned, I am honestly not unhappy; I have much to be grateful for not to mention the fact that all of my hard academic work is finally coming to an end and I have a lot of accomplishments to be proud of, but something is missing. 2010 is going to be an exciting year for me on so many levels I just feel like there is no one I can honestly share completely how I feel about it all. Some may argue that time will “heal” and that I will get past this stage but I just don’t know, the feelings I have I don’t actively conjure up or force  myself to have, they overcome me and I have no choice in the matter, which is why I am finding this so difficult.

The fact that it has been so long and we have been apart for a significant amount of time really makes me believe distance makes the heart grow fonder. My appreciation for the friendship we shared and just the presence of this person in my life has increased greatly and it is strange how time makes you realize more dual faults than the one sided bad habits you were blinded by at the time. Partly probably due to this newly developed respect for the relationship through the reflection of our past, anger appears too. To think that we both experienced the same relationship but now we don’t even as much as talk to each other is no less than upsetting.

How can this all be overcome? Is it suppose to be overcome? How many people in your lifetime are you suppose to feel unexplainable connections to? Are we ever suppose to feel complete forever or is it something that is always going to come and go?

I have confidence in my feelings and it feels rather good to get them loosely into words regardless of the fact that I still have no answers and don’t intend on finding any soon. Some may still think this whole blog was a crock of BS or that I have just overthought my existence but I am glad I wrote it!

Happy Monday to all, another week is upon us.

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