March 2010


The way relationships develop is definitely a case of strange evolution. How did I go from someone you loved and took home to meet your family to someone you just sleep with on occasion? Don’t get me wrong it is flattering you still think I’m good enough for something but the fact that that’s where it stops is quite disheartening. Your lack of caring kills my heart especially when I still do so much. There used to be a point where I went through a time of wanting what I couldn’t have since our end, but after being broken up almost a year and still being in this awkward situation that just makes my heart break a little more each time it is reinforced we aren’t going to make things work  I am being pushed further and further away.

Having a sense of loyalty to someone you are no longer exclusive with after being broken up almost a year is so twisted I don’t even understand how I let myself get here.  The saddest part of all is that I am beginning to resent someone who I’d love to be friends with just to be able to even  share fantastic conversation with him.

What have I done….

I need to finish one of the last papers in my academic career and it seems like such an impossible task right now. Time to focus with some quality studying tunes: Dan Mangan and Silversun Pickups.

As much as we all enjoy a little solitude now and again, or a lot depending on the day, we are still extremely social creatures. Although there are some exceptions I think it would be fair to say that we as humans  thrive on interaction. As an only child I’m not sure if I am worse for it or not but I truly do anticipate seeing friends and family, meeting new people and just sharing thoughts and ideas. When you look at nature there too are many social creatures, it sometimes makes me wonder what it would be like to be a creature who had no one else. I wonder too what those creatures think (if they think, who knows) when they encounter creatures like us who thrive on interaction.

As I mentioned my fears for the future throughout previous blog entries  one thing I notice about them all is that they revolve around the lack of interaction and connection with other individuals. Is that really all that we have to be most afraid of in life? The lack of interaction or the wrong kinds of interactions, are they actually detrimental? In the end are they all that matter? The development of careers and personal relationships, two of the most important things in most people’s lives, depend of interaction to be successful. Even innovation relies on interaction and collaboration to be worthwhile. With that in mind how does one deal with their fears of solitude? Are my fears of being alone legitimate? What is the difference between being alone and feeling alone?

Easy listening:
Bedouin Soundclash – St. Andrew’s
Kabul Dreams – Take me Away
Rogue Wave – Good Morning
Cauterize – Minor Key

Not that I want to ever shut my brain off or stop thinking because knowledge truly is power, but sometimes I get to thinking that it might be a nice treat for a second or two. I wanted to be responsible and go to bed early last night especially since I need to make up for lost sleep from the weekend however my good intentions just did not quite pan out. Unless I am thoroughly exhausted when I decide to go to bed I find my brain going into overtime and pumping out intense thoughts. What gives?

I still haven’t decided if it is a good thing or a bad thing that my most productive thoughts come during the wee hours of the night while laying in bed? Last night I am pretty sure I made several last minute decisions including the change to my lunch for work today, what time I wanted to wake up, the topic of my 464 paper and how I wanted to do my hair in the morning. Among decisions made I also talked myself out of regurgitating publicly the sentiments in my heart to the wrong person and/or my lovely here blog. The strange thing is while I run through my feelings over and over again I almost attempt to revamp them, or perfect them even, and I don’t really understand how that works or if it even makes sense but it’s flipping intense. At some point I finally get this idea in my  head that how I feel about things is correct, that I need to continue listening to my body and that the its just my means of commucation that isn’t quite parallel with the true nature of my feelings.

Wouldn’t perfect and always “correctly” interpreted communication just make everything a whole lot easier? My poor brain, I hope it appreciates all the activity of my youth while it is available. If communication is the only problem and my feelings aren’t “wrong” then what am I suppose to do with them?

Listening to:
Dragonette – Take it like a Man
Alexisonfire – Sharks and Danger
David Guetta & Kid Cudi – Memories
Bedouin Soundclash – When the Night Feels my Song
Silversun Pickups – The Royal We
Jason Mraz – I’m Yours
Sublime – Santeria

I finally had my interview with the Bilkent University in Turkey this morning. It seems so odd to Skype with complete strangers half way across the world, then again I guess it probably happens a lot. I feel so 21st century after doing a skype-view! Although it was rather odd and there were technical difficulties (story of my life) I think it went relatively well, and I suppose it is just the first step down the long road of career building and hunting for me.

I have been thinking a lot, like I always do, and after a couple good friend venting sessions this weekend I have sort of rethought some of my previous thoughts.  I said thought and versions of it quite a bit in that last sentence, oops. Anyhow, I am really back to the question of: Ashley, what the piss are you doing? I keep getting pulled into old habits and I don’t know how to get away from it. I like to believe I have a good head on my shoulders but for some reason I just can’t seem to escape certain bad habits. These habits obviously vary and I need to find a way to get past them or turn them into something good and I know it, but how?

I have so many ideas for what I want in my life, for how I see myself in the next 5 years, 10 years perhaps even but the next 6 months are such a blur. I don’t know what my near future holds or even really has to offer at all. I am petrified of my life changing from something that has been so familiar for so long and I somewhat crave stability in the form of a companion to overcome that anxiety. Although my weekend friend vent session was great in many respects it was also extra irritating in the sense that they kept reinforcing that huge missing pieces I have yet to fill. My friend mentioned how great it was to have someone to be with who she could laugh her head off with all day, that is all I want, exactly what I want. I want a confidant, I want a friend. The illusion of something that is such is becoming counterproductive and I need to figure out how to overcome it and welcome reality fully back into my life.

…you know, we had our fun. I keep waiting, keep wasting my time. I’m sorry, but it aint easy… it’s deceiving how we’re all in so deep.

Moooossiicccaa:
Dan Mangan – Ash Babe
m83 – You, appearing
Plasticsines  – Bitch
Alexisonfire – Burial
The Duke Spirit – Wooden Heart
Black Kids – Partie Traumatic

I am wired and fading, looking blind and blaming, following and trailing words you might be saying. Altered expectations, long anticipation, everything is changing. I am tired of waiting. We could run with the best of them… if you don’t second guess, and you go with it. Think of me as a helping hand, nothing more nothing less. Trying to build a bridge across my heart’s divide caught between two opposite sides. I want it all, but I can’t decide if I should leave you here, or stay with you a while.

Music is the best companion anyone could have — always there with words of wisdom, agreement or solace, you no matter what mood you are in.

I thank the Trews for this blog:

The Trews – Tired of Waiting
The Trews – Sing Your Heart Out
The Trews – Man of Two Minds

I decided to made a little picture dedication to my top five favorite women. The list is women that most people would recognize, trust me I do love my mom, aunts, friends, etc. but coming up with a top five would be hard.

ANGELINA JOLIE - Great actress, philanthropist and natural beauty. Many have mixed feelings about her but I admire her honesty and work she has done towards a greater good.

AUDREY HEPBURN - Also a great actress, philanthropist and classic beauty. One of the original great actresses she set a great example for women to follow.

MARIE ANTOINETTE - A true personality that has survived the test of time and a woman who wasn't afraid to be herself. She was also largely responsible for the beauty that is Versailles

MICHAELLE JEAN - Despite the controversy that surrounds her she holds an extremely high post in Canada which she has worked hard to earn. As an extremely well educated woman whose life here started as a Haitian refugee she has seen herself come a long way.

EVA PERON - Woman who was extremely vital to change in Argentina and also passionate about the well being of people around the world.

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind…

This week ended up being less than favorable unfortunately. Seeing grass again and sun was quite nice however the only thing the nice weather gave me incentive to do was fly, like the birds who were equally pleased to see spring arrive. I have so many mixed signals, events and feelings to sift through on a daily basis, but at the end of the day I still feel this great pull to get away from it all, to fly away.

In my dreams things are always so much more enjoyable, I get caught telling myself the lousy reality I live in right now is just temporary. I guess when you look at it I am fortunate enough to at least have pleasant dreams, I could be living a lousy reality and turn it in for an even crappier time come lights out. I keep telling myself once school is finished and I can de-root myself from this place everything will be okay; I keep telling myself time will work it all out. Isn’t that what everyone tells themselves? I sure hope I can keep this word to myself though, I really do.

When little things let you down and you realize that although someone or something can be extremely important to you despite the reverse not being true it really makes you rethink who and what you are living for. I often slip back into comfort zones of possibilities that could arise within the box, and then I think why? Who ever had fun staying inside the box? Some of us just aren’t made to think inside the box. I don’t want to live my life full of regrets or feeling like I lead a mundane existence, I need to at least say I tried. Although it seems more fitting to have that attitude towards things like my career I try to do the same for relationships and I am not sure if it has panned out for me just yet in either field.

When you have unanswered questions, things you want to know, feelings you can’t get past why not let them be known? The worst that can happen really isn’t usually all that bad, is it? I know now that despite the fact  that there may be similar questions, feelings, etc. on the other end if you don’t feel as passionate or willing to let them be known then maybe it means something, maybe we are in fact at different points in our progression. Then why did our paths cross? That my friends is the challenge with which I am facing and trying to determine whether or not it is important enough to continue reflection.

I feel like those who truly love you, care about you and want to see the best for you will always be there in some way or another. Distance makes the heart grow fonder as we are told, but is that so for friendships as well? I always come up with these little fears that tie together relationships and my overall life goals and I don’t quite understand why. I fear leaving and coming back to worse loneliness than I currently experience, I fear leaving and never finding bonds like I had at home but I also fear staying here and regretting it everyday that I relive the same drama that I have wanted to escape for what seems like too long now.

Here’s to hoping that dreaming big and aiming high will see my pursuit of complete happiness eventually fulfilled. I am going to work harder on shaping my destiny favorably.

La musique;
Metric – Girls, Guns, Gold
Hey Rosetta – Red Heart
Nizlopi – Drop your Guard
Cage the Elephant – Back Against the Wall