With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind…

This week ended up being less than favorable unfortunately. Seeing grass again and sun was quite nice however the only thing the nice weather gave me incentive to do was fly, like the birds who were equally pleased to see spring arrive. I have so many mixed signals, events and feelings to sift through on a daily basis, but at the end of the day I still feel this great pull to get away from it all, to fly away.

In my dreams things are always so much more enjoyable, I get caught telling myself the lousy reality I live in right now is just temporary. I guess when you look at it I am fortunate enough to at least have pleasant dreams, I could be living a lousy reality and turn it in for an even crappier time come lights out. I keep telling myself once school is finished and I can de-root myself from this place everything will be okay; I keep telling myself time will work it all out. Isn’t that what everyone tells themselves? I sure hope I can keep this word to myself though, I really do.

When little things let you down and you realize that although someone or something can be extremely important to you despite the reverse not being true it really makes you rethink who and what you are living for. I often slip back into comfort zones of possibilities that could arise within the box, and then I think why? Who ever had fun staying inside the box? Some of us just aren’t made to think inside the box. I don’t want to live my life full of regrets or feeling like I lead a mundane existence, I need to at least say I tried. Although it seems more fitting to have that attitude towards things like my career I try to do the same for relationships and I am not sure if it has panned out for me just yet in either field.

When you have unanswered questions, things you want to know, feelings you can’t get past why not let them be known? The worst that can happen really isn’t usually all that bad, is it? I know now that despite the fact  that there may be similar questions, feelings, etc. on the other end if you don’t feel as passionate or willing to let them be known then maybe it means something, maybe we are in fact at different points in our progression. Then why did our paths cross? That my friends is the challenge with which I am facing and trying to determine whether or not it is important enough to continue reflection.

I feel like those who truly love you, care about you and want to see the best for you will always be there in some way or another. Distance makes the heart grow fonder as we are told, but is that so for friendships as well? I always come up with these little fears that tie together relationships and my overall life goals and I don’t quite understand why. I fear leaving and coming back to worse loneliness than I currently experience, I fear leaving and never finding bonds like I had at home but I also fear staying here and regretting it everyday that I relive the same drama that I have wanted to escape for what seems like too long now.

Here’s to hoping that dreaming big and aiming high will see my pursuit of complete happiness eventually fulfilled. I am going to work harder on shaping my destiny favorably.

La musique;
Metric – Girls, Guns, Gold
Hey Rosetta – Red Heart
Nizlopi – Drop your Guard
Cage the Elephant – Back Against the Wall

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