I finally had my interview with the Bilkent University in Turkey this morning. It seems so odd to Skype with complete strangers half way across the world, then again I guess it probably happens a lot. I feel so 21st century after doing a skype-view! Although it was rather odd and there were technical difficulties (story of my life) I think it went relatively well, and I suppose it is just the first step down the long road of career building and hunting for me.

I have been thinking a lot, like I always do, and after a couple good friend venting sessions this weekend I have sort of rethought some of my previous thoughts.  I said thought and versions of it quite a bit in that last sentence, oops. Anyhow, I am really back to the question of: Ashley, what the piss are you doing? I keep getting pulled into old habits and I don’t know how to get away from it. I like to believe I have a good head on my shoulders but for some reason I just can’t seem to escape certain bad habits. These habits obviously vary and I need to find a way to get past them or turn them into something good and I know it, but how?

I have so many ideas for what I want in my life, for how I see myself in the next 5 years, 10 years perhaps even but the next 6 months are such a blur. I don’t know what my near future holds or even really has to offer at all. I am petrified of my life changing from something that has been so familiar for so long and I somewhat crave stability in the form of a companion to overcome that anxiety. Although my weekend friend vent session was great in many respects it was also extra irritating in the sense that they kept reinforcing that huge missing pieces I have yet to fill. My friend mentioned how great it was to have someone to be with who she could laugh her head off with all day, that is all I want, exactly what I want. I want a confidant, I want a friend. The illusion of something that is such is becoming counterproductive and I need to figure out how to overcome it and welcome reality fully back into my life.

…you know, we had our fun. I keep waiting, keep wasting my time. I’m sorry, but it aint easy… it’s deceiving how we’re all in so deep.

Dan Mangan – Ash Babe
m83 – You, appearing
Plasticsines  – Bitch
Alexisonfire – Burial
The Duke Spirit – Wooden Heart
Black Kids – Partie Traumatic