May 2010


I find it so strange to think of how this time last year was such a different time for me. I am sure the feeling is similar for most people but don’t you ever wonder how things like the seasons can be so faithfully similar each year while our lives are anything but? I don’t feel like change is always a bad thing but it would be nice to have an idea of what a year from now would be like sometimes — it may even be somewhat surreal if you could see yourself one year ahead. Referring to a previous blog I still believe living for the moment and enjoying what you have in the now is a virtue don’t get me wrong, and this is exactly why. We are ever changing ,thus premeditating the future in grave detail is almost impossible and awfully strenuous, however the concept of ignorance is bliss can also be detrimental.

Don't get caught under the waves

This time last year I thought my life was close to perfect, I thought I had it good. In reality, I did have it good, obviously perfect is hard to ever attain, so I guess being close was probably the best I could have gotten anyway. Regardless, when I think back on this time last year I invested the bulk of my analysis of my own life on other people. I was happy because I was in a relationship with someone I felt a deep love for and because my heart was at ease I felt invincible. Sadly I now realize more than ever you need to focus on all realms of your life and who you are first and foremost in order to get the whole picture and to also be well balanced. If I had fully realized other things that were going fabulously at the time that would always stick with me  and contribute positively to my spirit I would be far better off today. It doesn’t pay off in the end to focus all of your energies to one person, place or thing because you get a distorted version of reality and nothing left when that one variable has disappeared.

If only I could have seen a month ahead, or at least listened to what I was trying to tell myself. I was drowning in a pool of my own deception and because I failed to balance out my own life I got caught in the undertow for a while. I was upset for a long time and consumed with the loss of my boyfriend because I felt that he was the missing piece to my aching soul. Quite honestly my soul did ache in his absence but it wasn’t the only thing my soul needed and I didn’t see it because my mind was clouded. I will admit it probably took me until a few days ago to realize this but no matter how long the realization took, the fact that it finally appeared is what matters right now.

Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die, it’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

Sorry to complain about tuition and the increasingly crappy institution that is my university yet again but it is hard to not want to do anything but rant. Keeping with the tradition of price increases seen in previous semesters my first day of spring semester I was delighted with yet again more parking increases first thing. The toonie and loonie I used to be able to pair up with a couple of quaters to pay for my parking in lot 11 are now barely sufficeint and a $20 bill will no longer last me a week! $5 to park all day is super crappy when you’re used to taking the bus with the fall/winter U-pass or parking with pocket change. It might be petty  to bitch about a few extra coins to park but seriously it adds up and with all the other costs and increases we have to foot it makes a difference.

Better yet, even better than my parking woes, I had the pleasure of being placed into an overcrowded class again! Joy. My 48 person lecture got scheduled into a 25 person seminar room by that lovely registrar that is obviously excellent at what they do. It was crazy and irritating enough to have to see students sitting on the floor in one of my classes last semester due to the lack of desks/chairs but it’s even crazier to have it happen again in a completely different class and semester. I feel like I’ve been paying way too much money for really shitty standing room only concerts.  What gives? Probably doesn’t help that this class also followed the always depressing trip to the book store. Us students need a break, where the heck is all the money going? How the piss do they justify the newly approved tuition increases? We’ve always had to pay for our books sadly enough but now are we going to have to pay extra for our desks too?

Thankfully for me this is the last semester I have to experience these dreadful conditions, however due to the high costs I will acquire 30k+ in debt, yaayy for me! I feel for those of you just now entering the post secondary world, may the force (or lottery) be with you. I don’t even want to think of what it will be like when I have children, hopefully I will live in some socialist European country that pays for that kind of thing by then.

Oh Calgary

Are these abundant construction zones a coincidence or a greater metaphor for life just smacking me in the face? Why does everything always seem to need repair? Will there ever be a day where something can be just fine and not be in need of fixing? Is there a point in one’s life when they aren’t looking to change it and make the next day or the next time they do or say something better?

I feel as though there is this constant feeling among us, created by our society mainly, that we need to be better and that there is always room for improvement somewhere. How healthy is never being satisfied? It is exhausting always trying to keep up. I really do wish there is a way for everyone to slow down and enjoy the present a little more. I realize certain things in life require planning but why can’t we just live for the now every so often? Again I really do need to take my own advice on this one as I am always picking my brain and anticipating my future but I don’t feel as though the extent to which I do so is quite as severe as some of us do.

I also realize that not wanting to improve certain things and being content with extremely unsatisfactory inhumane conditions is equally as bad as wanting to continuously strive for perfection but why do we have to aim to be some created concept of “perfect”? Perfect is an imperfect concept, I don’t really believe it is attainable until one realizes that perfection lies within oneself and not within others’ concept of the idea. I’m probably contradicting myself pretty hard right now and babbling again but seriously,  enough with over exhaustion. Yes there will be times when you need to tweak things a bit but you don’t need to drain yourself trying to continuously attain something further when it isn’t always necessary.

Even though I am a true believer in making some crucial changes to the ways of the world to better much of the plight individuals suffer I also realize that goals like complete world peace are unattainable and thus a “perfect” world is too. Realistic changes, and I believe mainly those that involve the well being of yourself (your individual state) before trying to impose on others is crucial. How can an imperfect entity impose their idea of perfect on another entity? It seems like quite the farce to me.  One rich country’s vision of a perfect state is not going to work in every country, even though this is the truth that does not make the places it won’t work wrong, nor should they be outcast. You can definitely see the realist and conservative nature I have coming out, but think about it…

Another push for me to hope there’s something more….

A restless desire for adventure and excitement will push you to travel or pursue further education this month. You want more out of life! This is also a good time for publishing, the media, medicine and the law (research definitely pays off). Seek the help of experts or professionals because others can benefit you this month (including partners and close friends). What can you learn to enrich your world?

Optimistic messages like that are like music to my ears — motivation if you will. It is hard to explain the deep pitted feeling in my stomach for something more. I need to relocate myself and give my life a drastic change, I yearn for it and hopefully it is near. Thank you whichever zodiac gurus are looking to motivate a certain Virgo.

When is this game over?

It seems quite difficult to find someone who isn’t unfortunately involved in the childish “game” aspect of life.  I feel as though with certain relationships (friends and lovers alike) there is always some sort of an ongoing game being played out between us and unlike other relationships it requires so much more effort to be a part of. Why do we feel the need to compete and continuously plan out our next moves in respects to certain people? Maybe it is merely a result of certain personalities brought together that see this situation arise or maybe certain people actively try to be involved in the game. Either way, I think it is ridiculous and seriously annoying, it seems like such a waste of emotions.

Does being wrapped up in the game mean that the relationships are inferior to those without the constant competition? Probably. Even though I tend to feel that way in regards to the relationships full of games I wonder if it may mean that there just happens to be more invested in the other individual thus making you want to appear in the best light as possible which sees either of you need to be someone else or keep the other interested by playing games. If we legitimately like being around each other, whether it is as friends or romantically, we should do just that — be around each other — easier said than done I suppose.

The games are making me tired, they are hurting my heart and causing me unneeded grief. Why do we need to continue this vicious circle? Doesn’t honesty cure all? Keep me in the know, tell me what is up, I don’t necessarily need to like it but at least we don’t need to invest extra effort towards making it something that it is not.

I sure hope that mumbo jumbo made sense however if it didn’t I blame it on the games.

Game over. I forfeit. I’d rather enjoy the ride than worry about making the right move.

“As we expand, we melt. Our hearts open. Our thinking changes. Our obsessions subside, our addictions quietly pass away. This is the slow, elegant, loving process through which, little by little, we let go of the old and welcome the new. We open our hearts and allow in a few more people, just a few more relationship experiences, just a few more kinds of relationships. We learn there are no mistakes, and our hearts become a circle so large that there are no more boundaries, no differences, no judgments. We know the graciousness of that great undivided familiarity, in which there are no more strangers, only friends.

We stretch, and to our amazement we don’t break. Instead, we grow. Suddenly, everything becomes easier, and our hearts, which once we believed could love only one person, or were battered so badly we thought they could never love again, expand so fully that the whole world is welcome. In such a state of openness, we see that we’ve only forgotten how to be together, we faintly and beautifully remember that once we were all together. We remember the way we were in a universe of incredible softness where there were no edges, no walls, no mind games, no rules. In that incredible world, we were happy. We loved one another. It wasn’t a feeling. It was a state of being called joy.

The future of love is this all-encompassing embrace. For when we have expanded so much, we will finally arrive at a place where the heart can open its doors to everything and everyone. Our souls have been taking us on this journey and Love is the magnificent destination to which they have been leading us. Now we can feel joy. Now, at last, we can be satisfied. Now, finally, we are home. “

The last few weeks have been quite pleasant for live local music in Calgary. Although I have probably already butchered the topic by posting blurbs about the same great local bands I’ve seen I think it is important for people to be aware of the talent that can literally be right down the street. Nothing quite like paying $10 to listen to amazing live music and dance the night away with good friends.

The Fast Romantics
http://www.myspace.com/fastromantics

Secret Broadcast
http://www.myspace.com/secretbroadcast

The Shagbots
http://www.myspace.com/theshagbots

Debra
http://www.myspace.com/thedebrafiles

Co-Pilots
http://www.myspace.com/copilotsmusic

Seven Story Red Head
http://www.myspace.com/sevenstoryredhead

Smalltown DJs
http://www.myspace.com/smalltowndjs

East Wave Radio
http://www.myspace.com/eastwaveradio

Shotgun Dolls
http://www.myspace.com/shotgundolls