Being a women, it is sort of a given that I have picked up a women’s magazine on occasion for some light reading, mind you more so when I was younger than now. Considering the only magazines I have really read in the last few years have been either Maclean’s, the Walrus or Adbusters, it doesn’t surprise me that after spotting a copy of September’s Complete Woman sitting on my table I felt intrigued to take a peek.

What a mistake that was.

Flipping through the piece of junk magazine that apparently has a $5.99 cost attached to it I couldn’t get my head around why anyone would actually pay that much for something so shitty. It’s one thing to have a ton of fluff articles that have been recycled and re-worded for years, but it’s another to have generally crappy pictures, a terribly schizophrenic layout and more advertisements than content. The best part about the advertisements is that they aren’t even for the usual things like Maybelline or Secret deodorant, they are for 1-800 numbers to meet singles, phony psychics, lip plumping machines and all sorts of strange shit. I kid you not, if I didn’t know any better I would think the magazine was just a farce.

For a little insight to how crucial the information in this magazine must be for women everywhere let me share some of the charming article titles with you:

How to Change Someone you Care About
All the best tips on how to mind fuck people in your life and pressure them to be the people you want them to be, including best friends, boyfriends and family. Yeah that sounds nice, are you sure you actually care about these people considering you don’t seem to like anything about them and think they need to change their ways to better accommodate your preferences? Just a lovely read.

10 Ways to Charm Anyone (& get what you want)
The quality of articles doesn’t stop here! Read up on how to fake your way through life and make people think you are who they want you to be and then get what you want from them and peace out! Great things to encourage, just great.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match (and a fortune)
All about how to attract and reel in rich men on the dating market — essentially all women need to know these basic skills, right?

One of the most golden of all the articles found within this edition was one on cheating significant others. I have seen my share of these type of articles during my Cosmo reading days, but this was really one in its own. Part of the article actually discourages women from breaking up with men who cheat saying that you will eventually get over it, so your misery isn’t forever, thus maybe your relationship won’t be forever doomed. Despite the fact that trust isn’t exactly there after he cheats, forgiveness is key (uhhh I thought trust was the keyest of all??). Another part of this phenomenal read, which I sure hope women everywhere take into consideration (not) are the tips on how to spy on your boyfriend and snoop through his things without getting caught. Why the piss don’t you man up and talk to your boyfriend about the situation if you think something is up? I don’t really think going through his emails and knowing how to mark them unread after you snooped or remembering to take a note of how everything was placed in his drawers before you riffled through them are really good bits of info. If I had a significant other that psycho snooping through my crap I’d probably be cheating too or on the verge of contemplating it at the very least. I feel like I will waste half a day if I keep going into what was wrong with just this one article, but remember, if your man starts going to the gym after a hiatus he’s not going to get healthy he’s going so he can look good for other women — the magazine told me so.

I am not sure what gets me frustrated more the fact that people find it useful to print garbage like this or the fact that people actually buy it? I am scared to know what type of women actually read this stuff and how many of them take is seriously. Wouldn’t be a neat concept to fill your mind with legitimately useful or half interesting information for a change? No wonder a good number of women over analyze everything, we’re bad enough at over thinking things out with our girlfriends over drinks on Friday nights but with encouragement from magazines like this I can only imagine what some of you are like.

Do men’s magazines have this much crap? Or 3 different sections of horoscopes? Save your $5.99 and read a newspaper at least!

I'm pretty sure I saw a male sex toy that resembled this once....