I’m sure you can all relate to incidents of reacting to a situation without having any control. I experienced this recently, although I never thought I could be such a basket case and come out of it strangely enough feeling better. Who knew being exhausted from crying for a day straight could actually yield some relief in the end? This blog is one I have been meaning to write since then and I am still finding it difficult to phrase my words in just the right ways.

I received some news from someone I cared for a great deal, someone I loved and someone I thought I knew entirely all too well. No one died, nothing of the usual mourning triggered type tragedy even. For me, hearing that this person had become someone I never fathomed could exist and that this revelation of change had been going on all the while I thought I knew them I didn’t know how else to react. I am choosing to be vague in regards to this event not only because the situation has been so awkward for me to understand and piece together but also because I am not  angry with what has happened just really hurt that the entire situation developed the way it did. Like I often do, I needed a way to put my thoughts into words and I think I finally managed to do so somewhat coherently as requested in blogs before, bear with me.

Finding out someone you loved and saw in your future hid an important part of who they are from you the entire length of time you shared together is apparently devastating. The timing, medium of communication used and just in general how the new was delivered only seemed to add to the misery I was gradually feeling. I did and still do feel somewhat selfish for feeling so hurt despite our being separated for quite some time now, but like I mentioned before, my body reacted in a way I absolutely could not control. Initially I was taken aback but I thought I handled the news quite well considering. Half a day and some conversations later I was stuck in a rut and I really did feel like someone I had known was dead, I know that is another harsh statement but I don’t know how else to compare the way I felt — I was mourning a loss.

Some keep telling me that these feelings are the best form of closure for a relationship that lingered too long, but I currently can only think of it as my heart breaking all over again and that closure was easier to find before. There is just something about learning that a crucial part of someone you loved wasn’t ever made known to you that puts a bad taste in your mouth. Even though I know the secrecy wasn’t necessarily vindictive I just feel like everything I spent the last 2 years of my life living through and putting effort into was a waste, was a lie and was never as pure as I had believed it to be.

I assume I will move past this situation but until then I am letting my body do its thing and go through the emotions, as much as I seemed like a loon for a while this past weekend I think it was actually healthy in the end. I feel more and more relief as the days go on and I suppose am becoming more grateful for the learning I can do from the situation.

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