That being that which I previously blogged about — I found a quote rather fitting :

I have always argued that change becomes stressful and overwhelming only when you’ve lost any sense of the constancy of your life. You need firm ground to stand on. From there, you can deal with that change.” – Richard Nelson Bolles

I am pretty confident that quote would indicate that I need to sort my shit out. Thank you captain obvious? Despite the fact that I already understand that I need to find my routine again and get things in order I feel as though in order to do it successfully and see an end to my stress I need to lower my expectations for this “order” that my life should be in. The main part of the quote that gets me is that of constancy, despite the fact that not all of the things I am dealing with are result of “change” they affect my overall sense of fulfillment and stability — constancy.

Accepting the idea that I may not find a new place to live, unwind and have to call my own again for several months is tough. Accepting that I may need to continue working in a somewhat unfulfilling role at work that I am over qualified for is also difficult. Accepting that I can’t shape people into who I want them to be and that their irritating characteristics shouldn’t be  my concern is also a significant learning curve. Accepting that love and companionship are amazing things that cannot be forced and require much patience is at best emotionally draining. And accepting that a year post-graduation I am still not anywhere near “wealthy” is probably the most trying.

Amid the aforementioned acceptances I need to finalize, can I find new constancy? How do I fulfill myself in other ways that can make up for the areas which are lacking? Is it possible to overlook such large gaps? Is there enough resilience in me to do so? I believe humans are strong beings, I believe if people around the world can overcome far more challenging obstacles  on a regular basis I can overcome mine. Small personal victories I believe will be the way, but now I just need to figure out what I need to be doing to attain these. Yoga or some other attempt at physical  improvement? Do something to help someone else ie: volunteer? Emerse myself in literature, TV shows, random hobbies and whatever else will distract my mind?

It is taking a lot out of me not to hibernate for the next 6 months — winter is approaching so it wouldn’t be completely absurd — but I have some hope that I will get over this slump sooner rather than later. Although I still socialize with the people I love, probably partly how I am still sane, I feel as though it also increases my anxiety. I am momentarily very content when my loved ones (friends and family both) are around, my mind is generally thoroughly distracted, but it doesn’t take long for the elation to dissipate once it is time to part ways. Due to the fact that most of those around me are coupled and/or at least very much doing their own thing  I think I am driven further into wanting everything in my basket of chaos to be figured out; I want to be a well oiled machine, I want to reek of independence because I am the only one who has nobody but myself at the end of the day.

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