December 2011


Forgive me if I have covered this topic before, as I have blogged quite a bit in my day I don’t tend to remember everything I write.

For me, blogging is a way to unleash emotions and almost make sense of my thoughts. It’s more or less the act of writing it down and seeing it all layed out in front of me that seems to be therapeutic, although the anticipation of waiting to see what other people will respond with is almost enticing. Having external input is either that confirmation that you can move on or that push to rework your train of thought and get on the right path. It may seem like a terrible analogy but I almost feel like blogging is comparable to sitting down and telling your mother about your day, generally you don’t do so  expecting her to just say “That’s nice!”, you seek some type of feedback.

Dependent on how much you divulge however, you can start to feel vulnerable and wonder if you handled yourself well enough in the eyes of your e-readers, or if you came across as a psychopath. As useful as it can be to vent it can also backfire, and once you’ve posted it you can’t really take it back if someone has already seen it. Yesterday’s blog, for instance, I posted a link onto my Facebook for those close to me to read if they so choose to. I figure maybe if they saw my head in writing they would understand what I have been dealing with and maybe be more understanding if I haven’t seemed quite the same. I didn’t do it to look for pity, I did it for understanding. Forget about covering my pin at the ATM, I just layed a whole lot of emotionally valuable goods out on the table for all to see.

Instantly after I realized how many more people were exposed to a direct link to one of my most vulnerable  posts yet, I started to second guess myself. I started questioning whether or not all of the people on my “friends” list were close enough “friends” to be reading this stuff, or how they would judge me. Granted I don’t have many Facebook friends, and most of them are family, I decided it wasn’t a huge deal.

Funny how I worried about how people I know versus complete strangers would react, isn’t it?

The post remains “posted” and strangely I do feel better. I still ponder where the line should be drawn though — how much is too much information for your fellow blogging community?

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The week leading up to the week of November 22 was an exciting time for me, I believed my life was in order and I was honestly happy. What reason did I have to be anything  but joyous? I had a boyfriend who, although we had our ups and downs, made me feel closer to complete. I even had a stable job, I finally moved past my one year probation and my stability there saw me get approved for a mortgage on the perfect condo that I was to be taking possession of on the 22nd. I even had a trip to Hawaii for February to look forward to. Furthermore, as always, I had (and still do have) the most amazing support system compiled of friends, family and other peers. Much to be thankful for, and a pleasant future to anticipate.

Sadly, what goes up must come down and the high I was riding came to an abrupt halt. Few try to handle the roller coaster of life as best I do, although I would prefer consistent balance, I do try my hardest to get through the good and bad times the best I can.

Needless to say it began to tumble when trust issues arising in my relationship lead to unpleasant discoveries that saw a dramatic and quick end to something I felt like I just poured much of my heart and soul into over the past 7 months. Despite the fact that many consider me still quite young, as I am only 23, I feel like I have achieved a  lot and lived a lot, to the point that when it comes to relationships I wasn’t interested in a short-term committment. We had gotten to a point where we were having many serious discussions, even those of cohabitation and the like. My discoveries left me devastated and suddenly deceived by someone I thought was essentially someone else. I don’t feel details are necessary to justify my upset, just know, I felt quite low. Sifting through the details, I tried not to dwell on negativity and tried seeing some lights at the end of the tunnel, after all I still had much to look forward to — in 2 days I was still moving into my first home!

The big day finally comes, and the events of the days leading up were in the back of my mind, I was focused on the task at hand. My mom took a few days off with me to help get me set up and we had a great time even though we were mainly cleaning. That same day my aunt and uncle helped me move some of my large furniture and my grandma was going to come hang out with me the next day while I unpacked. The next day my grandma found out she needed to go check in at the cancer clinic for a follow-up appointment, luckily my mom and I both had the day off for my move so my mom took her while I stayed at my place continuing to unpack. I get a call later in the day telling me there was a problem and my grandma’s visit was turning into an overnight stay.

My productivity went out the window and all I could do was worry about my grandma. I called in to my work and extended my leave from moving to an extra day so I could go spend the following day at the hospital. Things weren’t great, but they didn’t seem so bad either when I went up to see her. Her and I joked around, and I even razed her about standing me up. She told me she’d come by once she got out of the hospital, she thought she would definitely be home for the weekend, preferably by Friday because she had an appointment to get her cataracts operated on. Nothing excited her more than thinking she could finally read again, and see Hawaii in February with her new “HD” eyes.

The next day, Friday, I went into work for the first time following my new routine — it felt great to be able to walk into work. Things were going great, everyone was asking me about my new place and asking me how my grandma was progressing. Mid-morning my aunt gives me word that the doctor didn’t have good news. It turns out the bone cancer that developed from my grandmother’s original breast cancer had damaged her marrow and thus she was no longer producing platelets or hemoglobin. My grandma was at risk of bleeding to death and her body was rejecting transfusions. I panicked and called my mom she said she would come grab me and my boss told me to leave as soon as I told her what I heard.

Friday, November 25, 2011 was arguably the longest day and night of my life. We arrived at the hospital where my 2 aunts (my mom’s sisters) were already waiting. We all shared tears but tried to be strong as not to alarm my grandma. Unfortunately there was something that I think overcame us all and we knew there was a large possibility that things weren’t going to end well. Our whole family was there by mid-afternoon and there we stayed. We waited and watched. What did we wait for? I guess to lose her. What did we watch? I guess her deteriorate.

Hours ticked by, we all remained. Finally by 8am the next morning on Saturday I was in a lot of pain from not having anywhere to sit or lay properly and thought I should pop to my mom’s house to take care of the dog. The second I stepped out of the shower and the phone rang, I knew it was what we were waiting for, what I wasn’t expecting to hear only days earlier — my grandma had passed. Internal bleeding into the brain took her life. Was it always going to happen this way? Would she have lived longer if we didn’t take her for her appointment that Wednesday afternoon? Would it have been worse had we not known?

This devastation for me is unexplainable in so many ways. My grandma wasn’t old, she was 68. My grandmother was the kindest, purest woman I knew, so in reality she didn’t deserve any of her suffering either. My grandma was my second mother, I lived with her 22 of my 23 years; she was my best friend. My grandma was only joking around with me days ago, she didn’t get to see my condo, she didn’t get to make it to Hawaii. For what reason was it her time?

This is my first great loss, and I am now positive one can never be prepared.

Bereavement time at work allowed me the following week off to help my family through the busy time, and to grieve. I try to say it gets easier every day but I don’t think it does. How are you supposed to react when people tell you how sorry they are? Say it’s okay? What if it isn’t?

Our family vacation in February will now be one meant to keep us together and remember the love we share for each other and for the woman who brought us all together. It’s hard to look forward to, because looking forward is just in general a hard thing to do right now.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, my job stability and the level of certainty I had in that one critical realm of my life went out the window too. Government budget cuts, capacity issues and a mixture of a lot of things put me into the category of who knows where I go from here. Especially comforting with the new responsibility of a mortgage.

My mind is mixed, my thoughts are clouded. Tumultuous times are upon me and although I feel the universe speaking to me, I am really trying to figure out what it is telling me.

Christmas is upon us, as well as a New Year. I am trying to be optimistic and all I ask for this Christmas is to spend it with those who mean the most, and those who have been so supportive.

For anyone interested memorial tributes for Luanna Christensen may be made directly to the Alberta Cancer Foundation, c/o Tom Baker Cancer Centre, 1331 – 29 Street N.W., Calgary, AB T2N 4N2 (Telephone 1-866-412-4222, www.albertacancer.ca/memorial). Or general donations to www.albertacancer.ca/, www.cancer.ca.

Happy Holidays everyone.