I guess it is probably quite normal for people to crave things that are bad for them. Usually you would associate “bad” cravings with things like junky food, cigarettes, liquor, drugs or other like items. What I find can end up being the most hazardous thing we tend to crave however is people, especially those we already know are bad for us.

Even as children we likely found thrills in the idea of hanging out with bad ass kids that seemed cool on the playground or were neat because they lipped off the teachers. Despite the fact that we knew these people were just giant nuisances something in us still yearned to explore that side of ourselves and befriend these toxic people. At whatever point in our lives we happen to develop relationships with not so favourable people there ideally comes a time when  we eventually realize that the phase needs to end. Once the process of realization hits we take the steps necessary to cut ties and by the end of the whole thing we’ve usually learned a lesson or two making us better, stronger, more complex and interesting people — right? Okay, sometimes I guess we have a lapse in judgement, and perhaps think this person has changed their ways when they really have not. Maybe we end up getting burned a few more times trying to fully grasp the realization that we keep craving something more hazardous than good, but that self deprivation only happens for so long right?

I used to believe I could credit myself with good judgement and, although I can get sucked in by stories of “great change” every now and again, it doesn’t take me long to re-evaluate and get myself back on track. I even like to think living by the “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” type logic is generally a good rule of thumb but, for some reason, I kind of suck at sticking to it. The worst part is, I’m not sure I am even interested in trying to fix these people or see them treat me or what we had any better, I am just addicted to them.

Recently exiting a very unhealthy relationship I thought I would feel liberated but for some reason I felt exactly the opposite. Because I knew I had fallen back into the world of perpetual dating and  dealing with emotions I wasn’t really interested in having to deal with again, I started to develop an anxiety like I have never known before. I feel the older I get the more afraid I am to have things in my life falter. You would think with age fears would be lesser, as you have lived long enough to have built up some resilience towards turmoil, but, I’m not sure anymore. Lately, every time things start to veer too far to the left I get spooked and I start to panic. With this panic I feel I start to crave the stability of relationships past. Even though they were terrible for everyone involved, my past relationships were more or less predictable and that predictability created a hazardous sense of stability, but stability none the less.

It seems sick to even think that the constant you want to attach yourself to is one that is so bad for you. It seems sick to think that you would even consider seeking to reconnect with someone who clearly has no respect for you, someone who has already made you feel so low. The good times weren’t even that good, but somehow in your head it doesn’t matter — what makes us become so addicted to being masochistic? Is fearing the unknown and feeling anxious about making new mistakes enough to push us into copping out and choosing to live it being treated poorly?