Intriguing words

In the recent months I have been quite absent from my blogging life; I have been rather occupied, as I have mentioned, with travel, looking for a home and just trying to get a grasp on what the heck I am doing. The main reason however, that I think I decided to take a break, was because I started seeing someone. Spending time with my boyfriend was a priority and started requiring more than a bit of my time and I almost started feeling guilty for wanting to explore my thoughts through blogging for all to see. Although one often needs ways to vent and express their thoughts freely to feel a sense of relief I started to question the whole foundation of my past blogging life.

First and foremost, is it fair to vent relationship woes publicly? What is the difference between blabbing to your friends about the things your significant other does to irk you and telling a whole whack of e-strangers? Should people who have a level of mutual respect for one another even have reason to spend their free thinking time picking apart their relationship?

I then started to think a lot about the health of my relationship and wondered if there is a point where the aforementioned doesn’t happen? I remember how hurt I felt the first time my boyfriend told me how his friends reacted and provided “advice” to him after one of our first falling outs. If there are sentiments you have towards a situation involving you and your significant other why can’t you just express them to that person? How fair is it to tell the whole world about all the awful things your other half does when they may not even have a clue you feel that way? What good is it to be angry behind their back? How productive is it? Maybe the things you are feeling are actually compeltely out of line, maybe you interpreted something completely wrong?

I’ve learned to accept that until you feel you can confront your partner with your concerns and be an adult about the way you feel you don’t have the right to be in that relationship. Having the next hot topic to gossip about isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be and you’re likely going to be more annoyed when people start giving you advice you don’t want to hear.

Ideally what you should boast to your friends about are the things you and your partner overcame and even then if you have resolved an issue as a couple and you have moved on, why do you need to keep talking about it? Resentment isn’t healthy and if you aren’t truly over it, don’t pretend.


My daily Dalai Lama insight quote today ties my last two posts together so conveniently:

I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.

Isn’t that just something?

News flash to some of you — I have been dabbling a bit in the “online dating world”. My short lived, but definitely interesting experience has given me much to contemplate. I am confident I could probably write a book on the topic. I promise to elaborate better one day when I have the drive to write something more eloquent.

The top 10 online dating no-nos — in no particular order because they are all bad:

1. Posting the wrong pictures. This includes pictures of places and things with you nowhere to be seen and pictures of you and all sorts of people, especially the one with you and some girl in a cutesy pose –  I want to know what you look like, not what other women in your life look like and not what your group of buds look like 20 feet away in a group shot during your Vegas trip. Obviously the odd picture of you and your mom, sister, etc. or you and your best bud are okay but I’d say it is best to generally stick to pictures of you and only you. I don’t know about other people but I personally see photos as the easiest way to make a yes or no decision to pursue someone. I don’t even say that because of the need for some kind of instant sexual  attraction, I say it because if you are doing something stupid in your picture, you seem to have endless women in your photos or I can’t really tell who you are in the collection of snapshots you posted I’m probably going to lose interest quickly. Furthermore, I especially find it difficult to understand why some people think posting pictures of their cars, scenery and other random things that don’t even include them in the photo is necessary. Yeah, okay, you have a picture of you all masked up getting some air on your snowboard and I couldn’t tell what you looked like if I wanted to but at least it captures something about you and a bit of your character. Just because you drive a truck with some crazy flame decal on the side, despite the fact that it tells me something about you (you have tacky tastes), doesn’t mean it is crucial in helping me build up an idea of who you are.

2. Not posting a picture at all – Online dating lacks many elements of the conventional dating world. There is a large gap in the physical component of dating when you are stuck behind a screen reading text so why make it worse by not even including a picture? I am pretty sure I don’t need to elaborate on this point much more as it seems quite straight forward to me if you were online dating you would have a photo and expect the other person to have one too. It’s not like we are back in 1999 where digital cameras were few and far between, quite sure there has got to be one digital image of you somewhere on the world wide web.

3. Not including captions with your photos – Captions are not exactly a necessity for me but they can really help. If you have any of those faux pas pictures mentioned in faux pas 1 including a caption may help your cause a little. Explaining that the baby in your arms is not your child but rather a nephew you are rather fond of could make the world of difference. I don’t want to date someone with children and if I see you holding a child in your picture I am automatically assuming it is yours unless you tell me otherwise. If you tell me the baby in your photograph is your beloved nephew and you love kids that takes on a whole new appeal.

4. Writing nothing in the boxes you are suppose to use for elaboration – After reading profile after profile they start the sound the same. Do you know how many profiles I have read in the last week that all include How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, camping, hockey and travel as interests? When it comes down to it — I am glad you love those shows, I like them too. I am glad you you like travel but elaborate and tell me what type of travel and where — maybe you like all inclusive beach vacations and never want to venture out of the Caribbean or your resort which tells me we have completely different travel interests despite the fact that we like travel. Additionally, leaving most categories and boxes empty also tells potential matches that you don’t actually take your dating experience seriously enough to put in the effort.

5. Not being a paid subscriber and relying on women who have paid to message you so you can communicate with them for free – Relating to the previous point, this just plain shows  you aren’t taking the experience seriously. If you sign  up for the site and don’t want to fork over the same fees everyone else is why should I take the time to send you a message? If you were attracted to me or something in my profile enough to want to learn more you couldn’t because you don’t want to pay for the service, seems lazy and cheap. No thanks.

6. Not sending messages but “winks”, “pokes” or “nudges” instead – If you nudged me in real life and didn’t follow up with anything to say I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t get you very far. Same thing goes for online, if you like what you see then say so.

7. Sending the first message and only saying “Hi, what’s up?” –  This isn’t exactly a great opener. You’ve just read my entire profile, peeped my photos and felt the urge to contact me so tell me why, ask me something about what you read or share a fun fact, anything. In real life starting with a simpler opener may work easier than it would online especially because you have all the time in the world to think about what you want to say and edit it over and over if you so choose to giving you pretty good odds at saying something to intrigue me enough to send a reply.

8. Using poor grammar – Without face to face contact or means of orally communicating you have nothing aside from your written word to rely on. If you don’t know that a sentence starts with a capital, that commas are necessary at times or that “what” is a 4 letter word I am going to begin to doubt our chances of surviving past the first date. Obviously you don’t need a perfectly scripted and grammatically sound profile but (back to the effort thing) putting in some effort to sound polished and half educated would be nice. I have an education that I am proud of and, although I don’t require my potential significant other to have an ivy league education or even a degree, I do need someone who can keep up with me and is well versed in something.

9. Immediately asking for a phone number or Facebook friendship – If you are genuinely interested in me and getting to know me you wouldn’t mind taking some time to send a few emails to do so. What difference does a phone number make at this point? Why do you need to see my Facebook, you’ve already seen my dating profile! My Facebook is almost more personal to me than my phone number because it is very personal, there are all sorts of intimate details available by looking at someone’s Facebook (family, workplace, close friends and sometimes even home address). Yeah Facebook helps you get a better idea of how your date may look and help confirm or nullify details they have already shared with you but if you are that concerned maybe you should think twice about the date.

10. Telling me distance isn’t a problem when you don’t live anywhere near me – Yeah I understand the logic that some people argue in regards to distance not being an issue if it’s “meant to be” but we are e-dating here not fighting to preserve a relationship with your college sweetheart who moved away for 2 years to do their masters. People generally start online dating because they can’t seem to meet the right people the places they are going. To me online dating is a tool to open your options to show you those people you’ve been missing in the hustle and bustle of things. Long distance dating is the last thing I would want to find as an e-dater, unless I was interested in having a purely virtual relationship. I am bound to the rules of propinquity; I like having the person I am dating to be relatively close and convenient to me because I like to spend time with my significant other. Forgive me if I don’t want to spend 4 hours in the car driving to get to you or have to settle of seeing you only on weekends because you live so far.

What they said.

Is it natural for one to constantly feel ill from the unfavourable things happening around them, even if they aren’t directly related or even in the same area code? Is it normal for one’s mind to be forever obsessed with learning about the atrocities of the world? Despite the fact that I am a humanitarian at heart and have love for people, culture and all things unique, I also have this strong desire to keep learning about obscure and awful things, to dwell further into the plights people suffer. I find it fascinating to realize how different life is for everyone and it forces me to ponder whether or not you can truly relate to any one being and if you do how minimal the common ground really tends to be. Knowing the things that go on in my brain I can only imagine what sort of other various and random things go on in the minds of the billions of other people on this Earth.

I have been guilty, mostly in my past, of basing my happiness on other people. I used to believe I needed certain things (generally relationships) in order to be happy and lately, in addition to my increasing world sickness where I constantly feel ill learning of other people’s behaviour, I have begun to think it is time to reevaluate things. There is nothing wrong with loving the world around me, right? I take pride in knowing I am not completely ignorant to the imperfect political, economic and social situations globally. Perhaps though, not changing these sentiments, I should work towards, as mentioned in my last post —  self-fulfillment. Riding the ups and downs of the energies from everyone and everything around me is becoming tedious and although I don’t want to shut my mind off, I need to stop taking things so personally.

Wish me well — tomorrow shall be day one of Mission: Sort it Out. I really should have been a philosopher, then maybe I would know how to sort it out, then again I don’t think any of them ever had formal training either….

I thought I had done everything I needed to find contentment for this stage of my life, but I still feel utterly and completely unfulfilled. Is this feeling of a deep lack of fulfillment problematic or just me being overly dramatic? Perhaps it is a little of both, or perhaps it’s just “normal”? I have never been a huge fan of uncertainty, I know that much.

Due to the internal burning desire for me to have the answer to everything I perpetually run questions through my head, over and over again.What makes us feel “unfulfilled”? When we are unfulfilled does that mean we are unhappy? Is happiness the same as contentment? Why do I ask so many questions?

All great questions if you ask me… ha ha.

Conventionally, I have done essentially everything right. Despite the fact that I had a few hiccups as a rebellious boy crazy youth, I went through the awkward stages of middle school, I felt most of what the average child feels and I went on with my day. I finished stage one of the schooling process and made the decision to carry on as is expected of anyone who wants a bright future… right? Now I question if I should have travelled more, worked more, worked harder in school, been more social or just run away?

I always dreamed of working for the federal government and being important, doing something fantastic. The problem I find now is that I have a fabulous place to live, a great roommate and a job a lot of people would love to have but it still doesn’t seem to fit. I want to feel fulfilled, and lately I ponder whether that lack of fulfillment at this stage is because I think I need to find it in someone else, because I am still single, or because I really just haven’t done anything right? Where are all my answers? What gives? Why can’t I just be?

You can travel the world but you can’t run away, from the person you are in your heart.
You can be who you want to be
, make us believe in you, keep all your light in the dark
If your searching for truth,
you must look in the mirror and make sense of what you can see.

Just be
….  just be.

They say learning to love yourself is the first step that you take when you want to be real.
And flying on planes to exotic locations won’t teach you how you really feel.
Face up to the fact that you are who you are, and nothing can change that belief.

Just be…..

/ ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl / [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.

Usually when vulnerability is used in description of another person it has a negative connotation to it; I don’t think I have ever come across anyone who believed being vulnerable was a good thing. I got to thinking though, and started to question why it had to be implied so negatively all the time.

When people are found to be in their most vulnerable of states generally it is a result of uncontrollable factors like loss, lack of experience, heartbreak and the like. Although experiences that generally cause vulnerability are less than favourable I don’t see the harm in losing yourself to emotions for a while, feeling hurt, feeling betrayed, feeling like you can’t trust anymore or feeling like you just have no idea what you are doing. In my opinion there is little else in the world that reminds me that I am alive than to have to experience these vulnerabilities. The more life we live the more instances of vulnerability we are exposed to and how we come out is how we grow, how we move forward and shape our futures. We were all inexperienced and thus vulnerable at one point in our lives so how can we go on associating that stage in others’ lives with something that is always negative?

An inexperienced child may be considered vulnerable to injury when they are near a hot stove because they just don’t realize the consequences of what could happen when they come into contact with the stove. Once the child gets burned they usually learn their lesson and although they felt brief pain they are far less likely to have to feel it again as they now know better. The basic principle carries out through our lives with most situations we have to deal with, we go into things without a clue or happen to be momentarily blinded and we get burned. Even though we’ve been burned we heal from the burn with skills in how to prevent future, perhaps more serious burns seeing that vulnerability as helpful rather than a burden.

Clearly, taking advantage of someone in an obvious state of vulnerability isn’t exactly a noble idea, however taking a minute to understand why they are could be. Exposing your vulnerabilities can be just as dangerous for an individual as it could be for an army in battle — when you let someone else know how you’ve been hurt or where you lack experience you could be giving the other party an upper hand. Although, when it comes to relationships would you ever honestly be proud to boast you hold such an “advantage”? I think knowing the details of such moments [to an extent] can be a lovely thing as I believe  intimacy can grow from it. Knowing another person is just as imperfect and susceptible to their emotions as you are can be comforting. In addition, it can help provide the leverage needed to take an extra leap of faith which could lead to something great, and even if it doesn’t at least the past experiences have matured you enough to see things off with a little dignity still intact. I think I would rather learn from my most vulnerable of moments than live my life with regrets.

Listening to wide varieties of music I have come across all sorts of songs that make me feel all sorts of things and even some that do nothing for me. What I have come to notice is that I tend to gravitate to the artists who are not afraid to expose their vulnerability through the words and emotion in their music. Honesty is a beautiful thing and instead of playing a situation off to be something different, why not feel the true feelings it conjures up? The Dallas Greens, Dan Mangans and Michael Bubles of the world don’t have large female followings for no reason, for a woman a man who actually appears to feel is almost, if not as sexy as some hunk of a man strolling a beach in a Speedo (work with my analogy here okay).

I am not 100% sure where I wanted this mind reel of mine to go however it makes enough sense in my head. Don’t be afraid to feel and experience life because you could render yourself vulnerable, you can’t live life completely while you are hiding behind fear. Being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing, it’s just a constant reminder that we’ve never experienced it all.

So today’s faux pas is brought to you by a personal example that comes from frequently trapping myself and leading to my own demise. I don’t think I am horribly bad at “first dates”, as much as I get tired of selling myself in hopes that this one will buy I still think I come across as open, honest and generally content — there is nothing worse than someone who appears to be over-elaborating their stories, yearning to constantly changing the topic or perma pessimistic, right?

Some dates although they go well you can tell right away there will not be another date, some go bad and again you know there will not be another date. From my experience, even the dates that go well and end with generally pleasant goodbyes but never lead to a follow up call, date, text, email, etc. aren’t as mind boggling as those that turn into second, third and fourth dates. I believe, and rightfully so, the most confusing period of dating is the beginning as neither of you really know one another. What I end up doing in this  period is over-analyzing everything, even if it is all going well I continuously jump to where this is going to lead us and which labels should be placed where. I have come to realize from having those ever so joyous angsty girl chats and endless conversations with the roommate that it’s a common feeling for a good number of us — females at least.

What I don’t understand is why we get to a point where we can’t just live with what is going well and feel the need to categorize it all as if associating words to a relationship is going to solidify it or actually prove anything. Why can’t we just hang out, go on dates, snuggle and enjoy being together without forcing the relationship into a, well, relationship? I justified this thought process by saying to myself, and my comrades, that I was looking out for myself, I didn’t want to get hurt. When I got to thinking more about this justification however I started to realize I was almost contradicting myself; I have always believed that premeditating the outcome of a relationship  — ie: thinking about the end of a relationship before it has barely begun — is bad practice. I do think it is fair to want to protect oneself from harm, but I got to thinking that if you are hanging out with someone, even if you begin as friends and you both being to realize it could be something more, your attraction grows, etc. what’s wrong with staying with that and enjoying the ride?

If you can trust someone enough to open up to them, feel comfortable to spend significant time with them and even share intimate moments with them, why can’t you trust them enough to take care of your heart? I am sure both men and women come into these situations however I think women are  definitely the ones more often pushing to categorize everything and from my experience it is becoming more detrimental than preventative. Do you want to lose someone who makes you happy? Do you want to completely shut someone who soothes your soul out because they haven’t told you that you’re an official “couple”? If you spend your weekends together and periodical evenings after work together, do you really think they have enough time to pursue other relationships and jeopardize the relationship they are building with you in their “spare” time?

I guess out of this yet again jumbled up blog I spat out the faux pas we can get from this is don’t always think 10 steps ahead, don’t always feel the need to rush things — enjoy the ride.

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